Invincible Children

[This issue is fortunately not relevant anymore, but I didn't finish the article in time...]

For those of you yet to figure out that Kony 2012 is a scam, I have one very important piece of news: Kony 2012 is a scam! Even if such eminent foreign policy experts like Angelina Jolie and Kim Kardashian say otherwise. Alas, they might not always be right!

This certainly is a very exciting moment of history! Our great culture of democracy has developed to the point when not knowing about an issue makes you smarter! Until this day, such a phenomenon was strictly limited to the world of reality television and Fox News. It feels absolutely rejoicing to seeinternational politics finally catching up.

So who the fuck is this guy called Joseph Kony?

Okay, you don't have to trust me when I say it really doesn't matter for you to know, especially since I mostly used to mean such a statement ironically. Until now. Okay! Joseph Kony is someone we usually call a warlord: a man with a gun and some chaps, also with guns, to do his bidding. His bidding is usually firing these guns on other people, sometimes without guns. Other activities include chopping off hands, raping women and burning houses. This is the life of a warlord in a few words. It is a very excinting and tumultous life with lots of intepersonal experiences of the most profound sort.

As it is often the case in Africa, the warlord's chaps can be very young. Why? Becasue the younger they are, the easier he can persuade them to do his bidding. To give you a precise understanding of 'very young', I would say the vast majority is under thirteen. It is an age of your life when you probably played some war games as well, especially if you were a boy. Well, these kids had the unique opportunity to play for real! Isn't that wonderful? As a young boy, I never understood the big deal about child soldiers. It was the dearest of all my dreams to shoot people with automatic weapons...

Well, okay! I know it's not wonderful! In the years passing by since I was thirteen, I more or less figured it out that war is not so great, and even less so when it is fought by children. It's kind of messy! Even if I had the chance to fight one as a boy, I guess I would have changed my mind very soon.

You see, we're dealing with a very grateful topic for journalists, reporters, writers and filmmakers alike. Most of us living the splendors of this civilized Western world arrive to these conclusions someday, and we usually find it rather discomforting to see that these warlords have not. This is the official reason why some proud and determined American citizens with a great deal of self-esteem and lovely blonde kids have decided to make a movie about one of them. His name is Joseph Kony...

But wait a minute! Why Kony? I mean, there are lots of warlords out there! Many of them are still active, and there are others who quit the job and live a free and happy life nonetheless. At least not the kind of life you would think they deserve. The most famous retired warlord is definitely Mr Joshua Milton Blahyi - better known by his nom-de-guerre 'General Butt Naked' - from the glorious and prosperous nation of Liberia. He got his fancy name for being mostly naked during battle. His favourite pastime, apart from killing people in battle, was drinking the blood and eating the hearts of little children. Later on, he ended up in a refugee camp where he saw Jesus telling him that these things he did in his life will by no means earn him a place on his side, so he decided to repent. Now he makes a living as a pastor in Monrovia. His heart-touching motto: "If I could change, anybody can!" The International Criminal Court is still thinking it might be a good idea to try him in the Hague just in case, but the people on the street seem to be much more forgiving. Practically speaking, he got away with the stuff. Oh, the power of mercy!

Since Mr Kony is yet to make this move, especially since he already considers himself the superhero of Jesus Christ, the people on the street are much less forgiving. Especially after this movie going viral, they really want him dead.

Well, okay! I'm not against the idea of Joseph Kony and his friends in the LRA being dead. On the other hand, I am very much against the idea of Uganda's government being stuffed with US dollars and weaponry. As you might guess, this government is not the best in the world. It's quite gruesome, actually. After all, there is a reason why the LRA still exists in spite of all its shortcomings. Every terrorist group has a noble motive. Even though the film tries its best to make you think so, they don't do it just for the fun of killing people. The government of Uganda is actually full of really nasty guys who were once warlords themselves, just like the evil Mr Kony.

So what's the point of helping other konies fight against Kony?

All right, let me help you out: it's three letters!
Further assistance to be found in this article...

Oh, and there's one more thing! You know, that super evil bogeyman with his black beard and white turban, America's #1 public enemy until now, just turned out to be dead. That's great news for the people of the world, getting rid of such a big asshole, but all the worse for the war business. You cannot sell more weapons without a #1 public enemy for the people to be afraid of! That's not cool! The world must buy more weapons! We can't just keep all those lovely and good-natured defence contractors out of jobs! Not to mention those thousands of decent hard-working Americans they manage to employ. America must have enemies! The more and the worse they are, all the better for our great and honourable defence establishment.

I had many thoughts, mostly negative, about this movie, but the my most pressing thought is: So much for the power of social media! One might wonder, though, just how social the whole thing actually was. So, for example, what if the first ten million viewers came from... Well, nowhere, actually? Or somewhere, but not exactly from the homes of all those average citizens out there? Well, okay, I don't want to be the conspiracy wingnut here! I leave all this bullshit to Alex Jones and his friends. I think the whole movie is just way too third-rate to be a government job. I think they would have both the money and the people to produce something more worth watching than the shopping channel.

But still there's one thing definitely worth concluding from this sordid tale: social media is not what it looks like. It's just, like nuclear fission, something which can be used for good and bad alike. There's no fucking revolution going on on YouTube and Facebook! As a matter of fact, they are still fought on the street. Not necessarily against Joseph Kony...

In the meantime, before you start one, here's a short video for your pleasure...